American Intelligence, Canadian Technology, and the Copenhagen Climate Talks

It’s true. We don’t like to admit it, but Canadians are a nation of super-spies. Yup, our spy technology rivals that of Inspector Gadget or MI-5’s Q; at least that appears to be the conclusion of some Pentagon officials. In documents released to the AP under the Freedom of Information Act, it seems some U.S. Military brass thought Canada’s commemorative quarters that featured the red image of a poppy were actually radio transmitters using nano-technology. Pentagon officials debated in late ’06 whether they should alert their officers working up in the U.S. Northern Command. I can only imagine top secret orders going out under a file known as “Stop the Poppy,” with Peter Sellers playing the role of the Deputy Director of Counter-Intelligence.

Counter-intelligence, exactly right.

Of course, now that Canada’s flagship technology company, Nortel, has been sold for auction at a pittance of its once glorious valuations, Canadian technology has now regressed to an age known as BMS (Before Maxwell Smart). In light of that, we recently, unbeknownst to the rest of the world, lowered the national Cone of Silence to have a Canadians-only conversation. We all agreed that it's so F...ING cold up here that we will do whatever’s necessary to speed up global warming. We also agreed that we all wanted the world to think most Canadians are vehemently against warming and want to curtail our carbon emissions. Greenpeace Canada agreed to hang a big sign on the Canadian Parliament to help with the ruse. And Prime Minister Harper, God love ‘im, agreed to take on the crap the world leaders in Copenhagen would be dishing out about Canada. Those damn Europeans, they wouldn’t know 40 below if their piss froze. Harper’s gonna hold the line. Bring on the heat!