Having Successfully Ended the Long-form Census but Failed to End the Long-gun registry, Conservatives Determined to Ban Long Johns

Yesterday sources learned that the Conservative government under Stephen Harper is eyeing a ban on long johns. A Canadian tradition, long johns have not previously attracted the attention of the federal government. Minister of Natural Resources, Jim Prentice, stated that long johns are no longer necessary, given the rise of global warming, particularly in the Canadian arctic. Such a strong admission of global warming is rare for the Harper government, but given their determination to stop all things “long”, even deniers of global warming have apparently been thrown under the bus.

A government spokesperson, without confirming or denying a ban on long johns, tried to correct Prentice’s gaffe by acknowledging global warming while questioning whether it is manmade. He added that “long johns are becoming less critical in Canada, and whether we should put our manufacturing and textile industries to such use is an open question.” When asked directly about the ban, he acknowledged that all options are on the table, and admitted that “rural regions may find it more difficult, but the government believes our urban manufacturing base needs support to adapt to change, particularly in the current economic downturn.”

In a related note, some members of the Canadian Olympic Committee have expressed concern about the stability of funding for Canadian long jumpers heading into the 2012 Olympics in London. Long-track speed skating, always one of the best Canadian teams at the Olympics, has already secured its funding for the Winter Olympics in Russia.