Let's Change the Date of Canada Day

NOTE: A much shorter version of this article appeared in a Canadian newspaper today

It was a mere ten years ago that I became a Canadian. All my American friends were calling up and asking how I did it and could they do the same and was I allowed to sponsor them. I thought I was lucky, having escaped the American empire just as it began losing its way entirely. How things have changed in those ten years! Here I am, now feeling fully Canadian just as Canada is starting to feel American. My suggestion is that you go whole hog. Celebrate Canada Day on July 4th! What’s a few days wait after all, especially if it means you’ll be able to express your emerging national spirit. The inner American in you is waiting to burst forth. Here are 8 ways you’re becoming American:

Electoral Shenanigans: In the States, isn’t the essence of the country “baseball, apple pie and…voter suppression”? From poll taxes to literacy tests to I.D. screening, voter suppression is a high art and abiding practice south of the border. And now Canada finally has its very own example up here! Okay, it was a bit small-townish—nobody was kicked off the voters list--and I’m not sure anybody is quaking in their boots when Elections Canada rides in with guns a-holstered. But still, it’s a start.

The Business of Canada: We all know what the business of America is. No news there. But Canada? You’ve muddled along with your regulations and your taxes and your natural resources, making a buck where you could, preserving the social safety net and not particularly concerned about becoming world beaters. Productivity has never been job #1, not when a 3-day weekend was just around the corner! But now, gee willikers, you have all this talk about the private sector and becoming a global energy superpower, “simplifying” regulations and oversight, and looking for pardners the world over. Who’s that riding into town? Why it’s one of them Canadian Job Creators, unfettered and free.

Science Schmience: After the war on poverty and the war on drugs, my home sweet home took no prisoners when it came to the war on science. Now Canada’s really stepping up to the plate too. You’re gutting scientific endeavors like their sockeye salmon, from the health of the fisheries to pollution in the Arctic. You’re even putting a muzzle on scientists who speak to the media. If the world’s going to hell in a hand basket, do we really need government scientists to go to conferences and remind us? Not on my Loonie.

Prisoners: Take no prisoners. It’s a good line but it has nothing to do with the home of the brave and the land of the free. Nope. The Land of the Free takes more prisoners than any other place in the world, both per capita and total. Canada? You’re nowhere. You don’t make the top ten. Heck, you don’t even make the top 20. You may, given your population, never be able to compete with the total number of prisoners, but there’s no reason you can’t be competitive with that per capita stuff. You’ve got the omnibus crime bill as your ace up the sleeve and it shouldn’t take long for you to be competitive. Look in your rear view mirror, America; Canada’s coming up fast.

The Podium: Talking of competition, those salivating, competition-crazed, we’re-number-one screaming neighbours to the south think they have a lock on Olympic glory. They’ve known for years that Olympic medals are not so much won as bought, and if Americans specialize in anything, it’s buying. Cars, votes, medals, you name it! But deny Canada no longer, world. You too will OWN the podium, pouring bucks into shaving a few milliseconds off that race, so your national pride can soar and you too can demonstrate some solid jingoism and in-your-face swagger. A small investment for such a large return.

The Military: Talking about patriotism, what do you want, peace keepers or the real deal? Blue helmets or soldiers who can bring it? I’d say you’re turning towards the real deal. Canada wants to be locked and loaded and ready to deploy, like a good marine. Their equipment? Let’s give ‘em the best. Okay, so that can be a bit of a messy ball of wax, I mean, cash. After all, you know the tale about the $10,000 U.S. military toilet bowl seat, or something like that; well, that’s what happens with procurement. But if you’re chasing America and procurement is one thing that the U.S. military does regularly (and you would too if you had a budget like that), then you’d best keep up with the Joneses and procure some fighter jets for um, er, how much exactly?

Unions: Is it possible that unions in America are no longer even on the run because they no longer matter? Do presidential candidates pursue the union vote above all else? Hardly. Ever since Reagan busted the Air Traffic Controllers union back in the 80’s, unions in the States have become a shadow of their former selves. And who, may I ask, is aggressively courting the union vote in Canada? Exactly. And think about the poor Air Canada employees. They can’t catch a break if they want to. The truth is that it seems like they’ve secretly been government employees for years without belonging to PSAC (Public Service Alliance of Canada); so, in other words, they’re screwed. How do you say “air traffic controllers”?

Lecturing the World: This is a biggie. America has been doing it for so long it doesn’t even know it does it. The rest of the world has been listening for so long they don’t even bother to roll their eyes anymore. What’s another lecture from Dad anyway? Now Canada is starting to want a few minutes of airtime to let everyone know what’s what. After all, you’ve got the banks and balance sheet to point a finger at all those irresponsible profligates who lack discipline and proper Canadian priorities. Listen up, United Nations; pay attention, World Economic Forum, here’s the deal…Who knew, during all those years living next to the elephant, you were actually learning how to raise your trunk and honk! Damn, you’re good.

 So there you have it. Canada, you’ve become as American as apple pie. With military mojo and business bravado and prisons a-poppin, you’ve stopped sitting at the master’s feet to claim your manifest destiny. And to make it clear that the new kid on the block is no longer a kid, why don’t you take over July 4th and own it too. Canada, leave aside this July 1st, give it a rest, and then on July 4th show your true colours and celebrate the new American you!

 What would you do with July 1st, you ask? It is still a holiday, after all. Well, if you insist, why don’t you use it as a day for quiet reflection and reminiscence. You could talk about the Canada you knew and loved, and about what a fine country it was. That would be a conversation worth having, prior to the big bash.