Well, it IS shaped like a hockey puck, isn't it?

It is time to take on the most significant cultural artifact in the entire country. No, it is not CBC. It is not the first recording by Celine Dion, or Maurice Richard’s jock strap, or tickets to the Stratford Festival. No, no, no. Canada’s most significant cultural artifact is, without doubt, the donut.

Canadians consume three times as many donuts per capita as Americans. The largest donut franchise in Canada, Tim Hortons, has nearly 3000 stores. Apparently there’s a donut shop in Canada for every 9,700 people (which is, sadly, a better ratio than that of doctors to patients in some countries). Canadians consume more donuts per capita than any other country in the world (which is probably one of the reasons we’ve needed a doctor to inhabitant ratio of about 1:470). Whether this consumption is admirable or pathetic, I will leave to you, Dear Reader, but let there be no doubt that Canada has another claim to being #1, numero uno, top banan, er, I mean, donut. Top donut. That’s us.

The question is why? My first theory is that the lowly donut looks an awful lot like a hockey puck. In Canada, that gives you instant street cred. Looks like a puck—gotta be good! Why else would ex-NHL hockey player Tim Horton have gone into the donut business in the first place except for a deep, unconscious desire to be around edible hockey pucks for the rest of his life. Some cultures go for edible underwear, Canadians follow a different drummer....My second theory is that if you dunk the donut in coffee, it acquires the added capability of warming you up and, because Canada can be f-ing cold, warmth is good. Also, it’s fattening and because, as I said, Canada can be f-ing cold, fat is good. Third theory: because Americans eat less of them, Canadians would naturally want to eat more. Trumping all these, of course, is the possibility of freezing ‘em, painting ‘em black and—voila!—you’re ready for a hockey game.

(Don't tell anybody, but if you look closely at the Canadian flag, embedded in the maple leaf you can notice the faint outline of a donut--honey cruller, honest.)