Guns, Balloons and Moons

Unsurprising News Bulletin of the Week: In a study involving researchers from the U.S., Canada and Switzerland, the Criminology and Criminal Justice journal reported this past week that the majority of handguns recovered from crimes committed in Canada comes from the U.S.

The journal could have saved a whack of time and money by asking any thoughtful Canadian: “So, Mr. Canadian, where do most handguns come from that are used in crimes in Canada?” “Well, whaddya think I’m stupid, or something. They come from the States, eh.” You see how simple that is? Presto-chango, end of research. What we have known all along has finally become an incontrovertible FACT, and it is time for Canada to stand up tall and say “well, okay, at least they’re not semi-automatics.”

In the same week, perhaps to show their remorse for all the handguns, the U.S. launched a spy balloon in Michigan to spy on the city of Sarnia, Ontario. The balloon is shaped like an airplane wing and carries a $1 million camera sensitive enough to read the name of a ship from about 14 kilometres (9 miles) away. To be fair, it has not been put there by the U.S. government but by a private U.S. company, the Sierra Nevada Corporation, that hopes to sell the technology to the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS). Surely DHS will buy it once they look at the spy balloon’s footage and realize Sarnia is full of crazy Canadians wielding handguns.

Not ones to stand idly by and accept unwanted U.S. suveillance, local Sarnians have decided to protest and give the balloon company a piece of their mind. That’s right—Sarnians are planning to drop their trousers en masse on August 15th and moon the camera. What did it say it can read from 14 kilometres away?… And if that’s not enough, here's an idea: why don’t those Sarnians aim their U.S. handguns at the balloon, bend over, and shoot from the moon.