Air-conditioning and Toll Roads: Solving America's Energy Crisis

We head down to the Jersey shore for vacation, to a quiet bit of beach far from the boardwalks and miniature golf and arcades. We lay on the beach--ahhh, the sound of the ocean, the warm sun, the…wait, what’s that? A small propeller plane towing a flying advertisement for—but of course—a cosmetic surgeon! Then here come three planes in a row for an internet provider, the three planes offering--in order--a fast, a faster, and a fastest internet connection. Last but not least a plane putters by towing a sign for-–am I reading correctly?—Dick Cheney at the Atlantic City Hilton. Who knew he planned to retire and go on the comedy circuit? America. Empire and carnival for the price of a single ticket.

Driving down we were caught in traffic jams. Were there accidents? Too many cars? No and no. The frequent slow-downs seemed to be caused by the presence of tolls. Lots of tolls, and cars slowing down to figure out which lane to go to—EZ Pass, Cash, Cash with Receipt. I admit I am no longer accustomed to toll roads. Canada doesn’t seem to have them. When I check out details in Wikipedia, it says that most toll roads in Canada are actually bridges to the United States. Is that perfect or what? Canada pays for its roads by something known as taxes. The U.S., on the other hand, makes the user pay—once at the toll and once by sitting in the traffic jam all the tolls create. Sitting in the traffic jams, I couldn’t help but think of how much gas was being wasted; it was like a miniature blowout of an offshore platform in the Gulf—day after day traffic jams waste gas all in the name of a refusal to tax sufficiently to build and maintain infrastructure.

So here’s part one of my solution to solve America’s energy crisis: eliminate toll roads. Here’s part two: lighten up on the air-conditioning. I mean, really, is air conditioning supposed to cool things down so much that your testicles retract? Someone ought to do research on the comparative use of air conditioning. Whether you're in a mall or a home, everyone seems to want to put their bodies on ice. Why not pass a law that says all air-conditioners need to be set to no cooler than 75? Because, duh, that infringes on our fundamental freedoms, you ex-American, law-abiding, government-loving Canadian. Oops, sorry, I forgot. Well, okay, how about if someone makes it a very strong suggestion? You could still chill out, but just not quite so thoroughly. And you’d do the planet a world of good in the process. Think about it America.