One Big, Bad Ass Rock

As fear of a terrorist attack subsides in the States, the search for The Next American Fear has finally been solved. Not yet a reality tv show, The Next American Fear has had a number of contenders. Serial killers have frequently been on the docket. Another recession has, of course, been eager to rise up from mere chronic anxiety to claim the big title. Even the recent asteroid that lit up a town in Russia seemed about to triumph. But make no mistake, a clear winner has now popped up right under our feet. Ladies and gentleman, fear of—look out!!—sinkholes has the U.S in its grip.

From that poor bloke in Tampa whose bedroom disappeared with him in it to a 43-year-old mortgage broker who was swallowed (w)hole while golfing in Illinois to the U.S congress where compromise and common sense haven’t surfaced in years, sinkholes seem to be everywhere. A 9 acre sinkhole appeared in Assumption Parrish, Lousiana, and a 17 foot deep sinkhole got rave reviews in Mount Holyhoke, Massachusetts.

This is great news to Canadians, who finally have confirmation in their belief that the U.S. has long been a sinkhole eager to bury Canadian independence and culture and healthcare and….But Canadians need not fret. It just so happens that geologists have recently declared much of Canada nearly sinkhole-proof. From the Great Lakes to the Arctic Ocean, Canada has a great layer of igneous rock acting as a vast, unyielding—you guessed it!—sinkhole shield. 

So far as I know, no one has ever called it the sinkhole shield; rather, it is known as the more prosaic Canadian Shield. And ever since I have been up here, no one has been able to tell me, in plain, straightforward English, what exactly it’s shielding us from. Until now.

My inquiry, I realize, was thwarted by a single assumption. Shields, I had assumed, tend to be above us. As an example, I offer the Missile Defense Shield, birthed in the deep recesses of the Reagan brain to address one of the all-time big winners of The Next American Fear (with an honored spot in the American Fear Hall of Fame).* But the Canadian Shield is down there, at our feet, watching over us, or in this case, under us. Low and beholed,  Canadians need not fear being gobbled up in the bowels of the earth,  and it's due to one big, bad ass rock.

So my apprehensive fellow Americans, I suggest you relocate north of the 49^th parallel. Canada is the cure to your latest fear. Come on up before it’s too late, yikes, looook out, oh nooooo…

* past winners include natives, negroes, alcohol, communism, blacks, Fidel, hippies, drugs, deficits, Hussein, Muslims, presidents born in Kenya…

Inaugural Balls and Oaths of Office

I was invited to an inaugural ball! Little ole me.

Unfortunately it wasn’t one where the first couple would grace us with their presence. No, this ball was called Ottawa’s Second Inaugural Ball. The invitation was “calling all Democrats Abroad in Ottawa-Gatineau (and their friends)” and urging us “to celebrate this historic event with fellow Americans, dual citizens, and their Canadian friends.” I have a sneaky suspicion that there might have been more parties in Canada for Obama's recent victory than for Harper when he won the last election.  And even if there weren’t, tell me, which would you rather go to, an Obama party or a Harper party?...Me too.

Not knowing about this “Democrats Abroad” group, I did some surfing and found its on-line home: https://www.democratsabroad.org/. It has a drop down menu to select your country and, once at Canada’s page, you'll find ten Canadian chapters. The global head of the organization, Ken Sherman, is even based in Canada and looks like a kind-hearted former hippie. The U.S. being the U.S., it’s not a big leap to assume there is an equivalent group for the Republicans. Why would one party cede those overseas votes to the other? No sirree, THAT would be un-American.

And so there is: Republicans Abroad  with a Canadian chapter http://www.republicansabroad.ca. I’m glad to say they didn’t have an Inaugural party but they did have an election night party and its invitation is available on their website as a downloadable PDF. Republicans Abroad listed its election night party as having a start time of 7:30 pm and then stated the party’s end time in bold letters When a Romney victory is declared! I might be wrong, but doesn’t that mean they’re still partying? Their party, by the way, cost 20 bucks at the door; the Democrats inaugural party cost 4 bucks and proceeds go to the band. I dunno but maybe that’s why the Democrats won, people can afford their parties.

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I confess I didn’t watch this inauguration. I earned my stripes by going to the last one and didn’t need to earn my stars by paying attention to this one. The change we can believe in never happened and I figure that if he could disappoint all those people who were on the mall four years ago, my presence—live or sitting in front of the tv—wouldn’t make a difference this time. I figure he had a four year presidential apprenticeship and now he’s got two years to make things happen. I’m pulling for the man. I really am.

Plus, how can you not root for a guy who decides to get sworn in on 3 Bibles. That must be one serious oath. I read that he was sworn in on Lincoln’s Bible, Martin Luther King’s Bible and the Obama family Bible (by the way, isn’t that called the Koran?*) Anywho, that has me wondering what happens with a new Prime Minister of Canada?  Does he take an oath? I’ve been up here twenty years and I don’t have a clue. It just isn’t a big deal. The Prez of the U.S. is, on certain occasions, a kind of sacred, symbolic God-King prone to be treated like dog-meat the rest of the year. But the PM, he’s a kind of bureaucratic, intelligent, schlemiel who oversees the party that got the most votes. Do we really care how he gets sworn in?

Here’s what it says on the Governor General’s website:
The Oath of Office is administered to the prime minister designate by the Clerk of the Privy Council at the commencement of the swearing-in ceremony. The prime minister, the governor general and the Clerk of the Privy Council sign the Privy Council Oath Book. If the prime minister designate is not a member of the Privy Council (Privy Councillor) he or she will be sworn in as a member of the Privy Council before the Oath of Office is administered.
Well, boys and girls, I can’t wait to go either! And just think, we can even watch it again on Youtube.

What keeps me awake at night is wondering which 3 items the Prime Minister of Canada should use at the swearing-in ceremony. The first one is obvious: a new Prime Minister simply has to be sworn in holding the NHL Rules Book. After that, it’s a toss-up. The Articles of Confederation? A Hudson’s Bay blanket? The Charter of Rights and Freedoms? A novel by Mordecai Richler or a bra of Pamela Anderson’s? A plate of poutine? A photo of the Avro Arrow? Leonard Cohen’s guitar? The possibilities are endless. Just not a Bible. That much is clear. Thank God.

*okay, so I’ll admit he’s Christian, but he was born in Kenya.

Where the Deer and the Antelope Roam

On my way down to South America, I change flights in Toronto. In the terminal I take out my iphone to catch up on the news. Roaming fees? Well, what do you know—there’s free airport wi-fi. Ten days later on my way back, I have a long layover in the Miami airport. I take out my iphone to catch up on the news, ready to tap into the free airport wi-fi. Instead I find an invitation to pay a local provider to have access to their network. “Never!” I cry (not out loud thankfully, though I do think a little “arrgh” might have escaped my lips), “for I am an ex-American Canadian who expects free airport wi-fi!” My smug indignation takes hold, as America proves once again it is about nothing more than the almighty dollar. I’ll show America, I think.

So I call my service provider in Canada, Rogers, to buy a roaming package. I explain my situation to the customer service rep who tells me I must be wrong and that the Miami airport must have free wi-fi. Maybe I need to walk, he suggests, to a different place in the terminal to be able to pick up the free connection. I walk and talk convincing him that, no, the Miami airport does not offer free wi-fi. He’s dumbfounded. He offers me a roaming package that’s a bit more expensive than the hook up to the airport wi-fi provider. I purchase it to support my Canadian company and to show America that free airport wi-fi is a right and I will not collude in an American system that tries to extract money from helpless Canadian travelers!

Feeling self-righteous, I catch up on some Canadian news on my iphone and then decide to do some strolling around the terminal. I see several ads for cellphone providers. I recall that when my American friend comes up to Canada he never worries about his roaming fees the way I do when I go down to the States. American cellphone carriers have tolerable roaming fees. Canadian companies don’t. How do you know which foreign tourist is the Canadian, the joke asks. He’s the one not using his cellphone. But here I was, having just bought a Canadian roaming package and colluding in a Canadian system that tries to extract money from helpless Canadian travelers!

In fact, lets admit it: Americans pay a whole lot less for their cellphone usage than Canadians. Why? Because the cellphone space in the States is a competitive market. In Canada it’s sort of, well, okay, maybe it’s a bit competitive, kind of. No it isn’t. You need one hand to count the cellphone players in Canada. But hey, we do have that free airport wi-fi.

And that’s the point, isn’t it? Canada has this abiding belief in the role of a public space with equal access for all. Free airport wi-fi fits with that belief. The Rogers customer service rep cannot believe there’s no free airport wi-fi even as he collects his paycheck from a company that charges ridiculous fees for its cellphone service. America’s belief in a public space has been dwindling and under attack for years. It doesn’t matter if you’re home, home on the range, there’s no free wi-fi where the deer and the antelope roam, but its user fees are significantly less. On this difference, I’ll side with the deer and the antelope.

Surviving the War of 1812

Whew! We survived it.

Yes, the 200^th anniversary of the War of 1812 is finally finished. No more tv commercials of historical re-enactments. No more ads by the Canadian War Museum.  The government apparently spent upwards of 20 million dollars from those “hard working Canadian taxpayers” they so admire to advertise the anniversary of the war, er, I mean the great Canadian victory over the American invaders.  The question now becomes "what’s next?".

Deep in the halls of the conservative government, in a small, unknown department called the Program for Upping Canadian Konfidence (P.U.C.K., for short) bureaucrats are hard at work.  Well-funded but off the rink, er, I mean radar, PUCK is scouting for the next big thing to punch up Canadian nationalism to new heights.   With the Vancouver winter Olympics, the summer games and the anniversary of The War of 1812 all in the past, PUCK bureaucrats are suffering a drop in morale. They know how hard it is to inject testosterone into the mild-mannered body politic of Canada.

The Sochi Winter Games are coming but that’s not enough. As one source within PUCK put it, “we just can’t drag ourselves from one Olympics to the next to kick start Canadian pride. We need something else. The War of 1812 was a gold mine but that’s…hey, wait a minute. Wait just a minute. Gold mine? Gold,  Mining, Canada! When it comes to mining, we rock!” He quickly disappeared down the hall lined with portraits of CFL (Canadian Football League) stars.

A former Olympian who now works at PUCK complained of having to “continually oil the engine of Canadian patriotism. Why do we let other countries flex their muscles and throw sand in our face?” Then he mumbled, “Oil, oil…sand…hmm.”  Suddenly you could see his eyes light up, “Cenovus! They have it right. Our country IS spelled with a “can” and not a “can’t. The Oil Sands ARE Canadian tenacity!”  He positively ran down the hall, the one filled with portraits of actors who made it big in Hollywood, past a smiling Jim Carrey on the right opposite a roguish William Shatner as Captain Kirk (how’s that for a Canadian hero!),  and Lorne Greene in Bonanza opposite a young Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future where he proved that Canadians really can skateboard as well as any American, regardless of their acting talent.

So you brave band of northern peoples, it won’t be long now. Sooner rather than later, PUCK will find the net and bring us a moment of Canadian pride we can’t possibly avoid even if we wanted to. And that’s your tax dollars hard at work.

NOTE:To see a government advertisement promoting the War of 1812, go here:  The Fight for Canada
To see a debate on whether or not The War of 1812 was overhyped, go here: The War of 1812 Debate
To see Cenovus’s ad on the Oil Sands, go here: Cenovus Oil Sands Ad

CEGEP! C...whaaat?

CEGEP!  CEGEP stands for Collège d'enseignement général et professionnel.  There’s where my 18 year-old son was in school this past year, while his 18 year-old cousins in the States were in their senior year of high school.  This isn’t another post about how Canada is different from the States but how Quebec is different from the rest of North America, or to be more Quebec-centric, how French-speaking North America differs from the rest of English-speaking North America (my apologies to any other far-flung francophone outposts in North America).

My son graduated from high school after his 11^th grade year. To be honest, I had a hard time getting my head around it. What happens to the 12^th grade? Where does it go? And why? I remembered who I was after my 11^th grade year (as in NOT ready for college), and recalled what a great time my senior year was, especially the last half when it was all downhill towards graduation. Quebec was going to deprive my son of this well-earned Rite of Passage. 

My perspective, however, has changed. All hail CEGEP! The truth is that high school, sadly, can be an awfully boring place. Young adults are treated as children, their weekday lives dictated by a set of bells, with rules in place to constrain their childish outbursts (which, I hypothesize, are generated by the very fact of being treated as children). Suddenly, CEGEP entered my son’s life and treated him as an adult. He had a class schedule like any college student, 3 hours one day, 2 the next, etc. No study period. No weekend detentions for bad behavior. And voila! A bright kid, bored to tears by high school, began doing phenomenally well…and sustained it throughout the year. He has one more year in his CEGEP before going on to 3 years at a University.

To be clear, I’m not saying that my son’s 12^th year of education was better than his cousins, but it surely was different. And it worked for my son, and apparently for a lot of young people.  I’ve informally been polling adults who went through the CEGEP experience and they are universally positive in their praise of the system.  The irony in all this is that the idea for the CEGEP came from the States.  When CEGEPs were first created in the 60’s, they were modelled after the Junior Colleges in the States. Quebec stole the idea, and improved it. Way to go, Quebec!

Let's Change the Date of Canada Day

NOTE: A much shorter version of this article appeared in a Canadian newspaper today

It was a mere ten years ago that I became a Canadian. All my American friends were calling up and asking how I did it and could they do the same and was I allowed to sponsor them. I thought I was lucky, having escaped the American empire just as it began losing its way entirely. How things have changed in those ten years! Here I am, now feeling fully Canadian just as Canada is starting to feel American. My suggestion is that you go whole hog. Celebrate Canada Day on July 4th! What’s a few days wait after all, especially if it means you’ll be able to express your emerging national spirit. The inner American in you is waiting to burst forth. Here are 8 ways you’re becoming American:

Electoral Shenanigans: In the States, isn’t the essence of the country “baseball, apple pie and…voter suppression”? From poll taxes to literacy tests to I.D. screening, voter suppression is a high art and abiding practice south of the border. And now Canada finally has its very own example up here! Okay, it was a bit small-townish—nobody was kicked off the voters list--and I’m not sure anybody is quaking in their boots when Elections Canada rides in with guns a-holstered. But still, it’s a start.

The Business of Canada: We all know what the business of America is. No news there. But Canada? You’ve muddled along with your regulations and your taxes and your natural resources, making a buck where you could, preserving the social safety net and not particularly concerned about becoming world beaters. Productivity has never been job #1, not when a 3-day weekend was just around the corner! But now, gee willikers, you have all this talk about the private sector and becoming a global energy superpower, “simplifying” regulations and oversight, and looking for pardners the world over. Who’s that riding into town? Why it’s one of them Canadian Job Creators, unfettered and free.

Science Schmience: After the war on poverty and the war on drugs, my home sweet home took no prisoners when it came to the war on science. Now Canada’s really stepping up to the plate too. You’re gutting scientific endeavors like their sockeye salmon, from the health of the fisheries to pollution in the Arctic. You’re even putting a muzzle on scientists who speak to the media. If the world’s going to hell in a hand basket, do we really need government scientists to go to conferences and remind us? Not on my Loonie.

Prisoners: Take no prisoners. It’s a good line but it has nothing to do with the home of the brave and the land of the free. Nope. The Land of the Free takes more prisoners than any other place in the world, both per capita and total. Canada? You’re nowhere. You don’t make the top ten. Heck, you don’t even make the top 20. You may, given your population, never be able to compete with the total number of prisoners, but there’s no reason you can’t be competitive with that per capita stuff. You’ve got the omnibus crime bill as your ace up the sleeve and it shouldn’t take long for you to be competitive. Look in your rear view mirror, America; Canada’s coming up fast.

The Podium: Talking of competition, those salivating, competition-crazed, we’re-number-one screaming neighbours to the south think they have a lock on Olympic glory. They’ve known for years that Olympic medals are not so much won as bought, and if Americans specialize in anything, it’s buying. Cars, votes, medals, you name it! But deny Canada no longer, world. You too will OWN the podium, pouring bucks into shaving a few milliseconds off that race, so your national pride can soar and you too can demonstrate some solid jingoism and in-your-face swagger. A small investment for such a large return.

The Military: Talking about patriotism, what do you want, peace keepers or the real deal? Blue helmets or soldiers who can bring it? I’d say you’re turning towards the real deal. Canada wants to be locked and loaded and ready to deploy, like a good marine. Their equipment? Let’s give ‘em the best. Okay, so that can be a bit of a messy ball of wax, I mean, cash. After all, you know the tale about the $10,000 U.S. military toilet bowl seat, or something like that; well, that’s what happens with procurement. But if you’re chasing America and procurement is one thing that the U.S. military does regularly (and you would too if you had a budget like that), then you’d best keep up with the Joneses and procure some fighter jets for um, er, how much exactly?

Unions: Is it possible that unions in America are no longer even on the run because they no longer matter? Do presidential candidates pursue the union vote above all else? Hardly. Ever since Reagan busted the Air Traffic Controllers union back in the 80’s, unions in the States have become a shadow of their former selves. And who, may I ask, is aggressively courting the union vote in Canada? Exactly. And think about the poor Air Canada employees. They can’t catch a break if they want to. The truth is that it seems like they’ve secretly been government employees for years without belonging to PSAC (Public Service Alliance of Canada); so, in other words, they’re screwed. How do you say “air traffic controllers”?

Lecturing the World: This is a biggie. America has been doing it for so long it doesn’t even know it does it. The rest of the world has been listening for so long they don’t even bother to roll their eyes anymore. What’s another lecture from Dad anyway? Now Canada is starting to want a few minutes of airtime to let everyone know what’s what. After all, you’ve got the banks and balance sheet to point a finger at all those irresponsible profligates who lack discipline and proper Canadian priorities. Listen up, United Nations; pay attention, World Economic Forum, here’s the deal…Who knew, during all those years living next to the elephant, you were actually learning how to raise your trunk and honk! Damn, you’re good.

 So there you have it. Canada, you’ve become as American as apple pie. With military mojo and business bravado and prisons a-poppin, you’ve stopped sitting at the master’s feet to claim your manifest destiny. And to make it clear that the new kid on the block is no longer a kid, why don’t you take over July 4th and own it too. Canada, leave aside this July 1st, give it a rest, and then on July 4th show your true colours and celebrate the new American you!

 What would you do with July 1st, you ask? It is still a holiday, after all. Well, if you insist, why don’t you use it as a day for quiet reflection and reminiscence. You could talk about the Canada you knew and loved, and about what a fine country it was. That would be a conversation worth having, prior to the big bash.

Voter Suppression Canada

The good news about having the Republican Party governing from Parliament Hill is that Canada gets to have its own voter suppression scandal. Yes, that’s right. Ring-Ring: "Wanna vote? Unfortunately your polling station is too busy , please go vote somewhere else, somewhere far far away, we recommend the Planet Tatooine." Yes, Canadian voters of a liberal bent received calls during the May 2011 election telling them their polling station had been relocated. Elections Canada, aided by the RCMP, is now investigating and the Republi, oops, I mean, er, Conservatives are in plausible deniability mode.

Of course we’re just rookies in the game compared to our southern neightbours. The U.S has a lengthy history of voter suppression strategies, from poll taxes to literacy tests to current efforts by States to require valid photo I.D.s to register to vote. The photo I.D. efforts are being done to “ensure the sanctity of the vote,” said Sam Brownback, the Governor of Kansas, demonstrating his apparent lack of concern for the 620,000 Kansas residents who, according to the NY Times,lack a government ID. Meanwhile the 2011 bill in Texas pushing for photo I.D.s won’t recognize—you just gotta love this!—student I.D.s but will recognize handgun licenses. Giddy-up, shoot ‘em up, vote ‘em up. Rawhide.

Canada? There just ain’t a whole lot of voter suppression history up here. While we do have the possibility of catching up and creating our very own Canadian culture around voter suppression, there are some structural challenges that have to be acknowledged. In the States, many of the election officials are themselves partisan, elected candidates. Yikes! And the elections are funded locally, so some jurisdictions simply don’t have sufficient funds—similar to education--to do a good job. Despite these obvious advantages that the U.S. has over Canadian voter suppression strategies, Harper’s Conservatives are a diligent bunch and won’t take high voter turn-out lying down. No siree. Ethics aren’t in the way. They’ve already pleaded guilty to funnelling money illegally to support tv advertising during 2006 campaign. They’ve got the robo calls happening. And damn, if Harper hadn’t canned the long gun registry he could’ve used those I.D.s to target his kind of voters. He must be kicking himself. Wanna vote? Show me that long gun license, pardner.