Surviving the War of 1812

Whew! We survived it.

Yes, the 200^th anniversary of the War of 1812 is finally finished. No more tv commercials of historical re-enactments. No more ads by the Canadian War Museum.  The government apparently spent upwards of 20 million dollars from those “hard working Canadian taxpayers” they so admire to advertise the anniversary of the war, er, I mean the great Canadian victory over the American invaders.  The question now becomes "what’s next?".

Deep in the halls of the conservative government, in a small, unknown department called the Program for Upping Canadian Konfidence (P.U.C.K., for short) bureaucrats are hard at work.  Well-funded but off the rink, er, I mean radar, PUCK is scouting for the next big thing to punch up Canadian nationalism to new heights.   With the Vancouver winter Olympics, the summer games and the anniversary of The War of 1812 all in the past, PUCK bureaucrats are suffering a drop in morale. They know how hard it is to inject testosterone into the mild-mannered body politic of Canada.

The Sochi Winter Games are coming but that’s not enough. As one source within PUCK put it, “we just can’t drag ourselves from one Olympics to the next to kick start Canadian pride. We need something else. The War of 1812 was a gold mine but that’s…hey, wait a minute. Wait just a minute. Gold mine? Gold,  Mining, Canada! When it comes to mining, we rock!” He quickly disappeared down the hall lined with portraits of CFL (Canadian Football League) stars.

A former Olympian who now works at PUCK complained of having to “continually oil the engine of Canadian patriotism. Why do we let other countries flex their muscles and throw sand in our face?” Then he mumbled, “Oil, oil…sand…hmm.”  Suddenly you could see his eyes light up, “Cenovus! They have it right. Our country IS spelled with a “can” and not a “can’t. The Oil Sands ARE Canadian tenacity!”  He positively ran down the hall, the one filled with portraits of actors who made it big in Hollywood, past a smiling Jim Carrey on the right opposite a roguish William Shatner as Captain Kirk (how’s that for a Canadian hero!),  and Lorne Greene in Bonanza opposite a young Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future where he proved that Canadians really can skateboard as well as any American, regardless of their acting talent.

So you brave band of northern peoples, it won’t be long now. Sooner rather than later, PUCK will find the net and bring us a moment of Canadian pride we can’t possibly avoid even if we wanted to. And that’s your tax dollars hard at work.

NOTE:To see a government advertisement promoting the War of 1812, go here:  The Fight for Canada
To see a debate on whether or not The War of 1812 was overhyped, go here: The War of 1812 Debate
To see Cenovus’s ad on the Oil Sands, go here: Cenovus Oil Sands Ad

CEGEP! C...whaaat?

CEGEP!  CEGEP stands for Collège d'enseignement général et professionnel.  There’s where my 18 year-old son was in school this past year, while his 18 year-old cousins in the States were in their senior year of high school.  This isn’t another post about how Canada is different from the States but how Quebec is different from the rest of North America, or to be more Quebec-centric, how French-speaking North America differs from the rest of English-speaking North America (my apologies to any other far-flung francophone outposts in North America).

My son graduated from high school after his 11^th grade year. To be honest, I had a hard time getting my head around it. What happens to the 12^th grade? Where does it go? And why? I remembered who I was after my 11^th grade year (as in NOT ready for college), and recalled what a great time my senior year was, especially the last half when it was all downhill towards graduation. Quebec was going to deprive my son of this well-earned Rite of Passage. 

My perspective, however, has changed. All hail CEGEP! The truth is that high school, sadly, can be an awfully boring place. Young adults are treated as children, their weekday lives dictated by a set of bells, with rules in place to constrain their childish outbursts (which, I hypothesize, are generated by the very fact of being treated as children). Suddenly, CEGEP entered my son’s life and treated him as an adult. He had a class schedule like any college student, 3 hours one day, 2 the next, etc. No study period. No weekend detentions for bad behavior. And voila! A bright kid, bored to tears by high school, began doing phenomenally well…and sustained it throughout the year. He has one more year in his CEGEP before going on to 3 years at a University.

To be clear, I’m not saying that my son’s 12^th year of education was better than his cousins, but it surely was different. And it worked for my son, and apparently for a lot of young people.  I’ve informally been polling adults who went through the CEGEP experience and they are universally positive in their praise of the system.  The irony in all this is that the idea for the CEGEP came from the States.  When CEGEPs were first created in the 60’s, they were modelled after the Junior Colleges in the States. Quebec stole the idea, and improved it. Way to go, Quebec!

Let's Change the Date of Canada Day

NOTE: A much shorter version of this article appeared in a Canadian newspaper today

It was a mere ten years ago that I became a Canadian. All my American friends were calling up and asking how I did it and could they do the same and was I allowed to sponsor them. I thought I was lucky, having escaped the American empire just as it began losing its way entirely. How things have changed in those ten years! Here I am, now feeling fully Canadian just as Canada is starting to feel American. My suggestion is that you go whole hog. Celebrate Canada Day on July 4th! What’s a few days wait after all, especially if it means you’ll be able to express your emerging national spirit. The inner American in you is waiting to burst forth. Here are 8 ways you’re becoming American:

Electoral Shenanigans: In the States, isn’t the essence of the country “baseball, apple pie and…voter suppression”? From poll taxes to literacy tests to I.D. screening, voter suppression is a high art and abiding practice south of the border. And now Canada finally has its very own example up here! Okay, it was a bit small-townish—nobody was kicked off the voters list--and I’m not sure anybody is quaking in their boots when Elections Canada rides in with guns a-holstered. But still, it’s a start.

The Business of Canada: We all know what the business of America is. No news there. But Canada? You’ve muddled along with your regulations and your taxes and your natural resources, making a buck where you could, preserving the social safety net and not particularly concerned about becoming world beaters. Productivity has never been job #1, not when a 3-day weekend was just around the corner! But now, gee willikers, you have all this talk about the private sector and becoming a global energy superpower, “simplifying” regulations and oversight, and looking for pardners the world over. Who’s that riding into town? Why it’s one of them Canadian Job Creators, unfettered and free.

Science Schmience: After the war on poverty and the war on drugs, my home sweet home took no prisoners when it came to the war on science. Now Canada’s really stepping up to the plate too. You’re gutting scientific endeavors like their sockeye salmon, from the health of the fisheries to pollution in the Arctic. You’re even putting a muzzle on scientists who speak to the media. If the world’s going to hell in a hand basket, do we really need government scientists to go to conferences and remind us? Not on my Loonie.

Prisoners: Take no prisoners. It’s a good line but it has nothing to do with the home of the brave and the land of the free. Nope. The Land of the Free takes more prisoners than any other place in the world, both per capita and total. Canada? You’re nowhere. You don’t make the top ten. Heck, you don’t even make the top 20. You may, given your population, never be able to compete with the total number of prisoners, but there’s no reason you can’t be competitive with that per capita stuff. You’ve got the omnibus crime bill as your ace up the sleeve and it shouldn’t take long for you to be competitive. Look in your rear view mirror, America; Canada’s coming up fast.

The Podium: Talking of competition, those salivating, competition-crazed, we’re-number-one screaming neighbours to the south think they have a lock on Olympic glory. They’ve known for years that Olympic medals are not so much won as bought, and if Americans specialize in anything, it’s buying. Cars, votes, medals, you name it! But deny Canada no longer, world. You too will OWN the podium, pouring bucks into shaving a few milliseconds off that race, so your national pride can soar and you too can demonstrate some solid jingoism and in-your-face swagger. A small investment for such a large return.

The Military: Talking about patriotism, what do you want, peace keepers or the real deal? Blue helmets or soldiers who can bring it? I’d say you’re turning towards the real deal. Canada wants to be locked and loaded and ready to deploy, like a good marine. Their equipment? Let’s give ‘em the best. Okay, so that can be a bit of a messy ball of wax, I mean, cash. After all, you know the tale about the $10,000 U.S. military toilet bowl seat, or something like that; well, that’s what happens with procurement. But if you’re chasing America and procurement is one thing that the U.S. military does regularly (and you would too if you had a budget like that), then you’d best keep up with the Joneses and procure some fighter jets for um, er, how much exactly?

Unions: Is it possible that unions in America are no longer even on the run because they no longer matter? Do presidential candidates pursue the union vote above all else? Hardly. Ever since Reagan busted the Air Traffic Controllers union back in the 80’s, unions in the States have become a shadow of their former selves. And who, may I ask, is aggressively courting the union vote in Canada? Exactly. And think about the poor Air Canada employees. They can’t catch a break if they want to. The truth is that it seems like they’ve secretly been government employees for years without belonging to PSAC (Public Service Alliance of Canada); so, in other words, they’re screwed. How do you say “air traffic controllers”?

Lecturing the World: This is a biggie. America has been doing it for so long it doesn’t even know it does it. The rest of the world has been listening for so long they don’t even bother to roll their eyes anymore. What’s another lecture from Dad anyway? Now Canada is starting to want a few minutes of airtime to let everyone know what’s what. After all, you’ve got the banks and balance sheet to point a finger at all those irresponsible profligates who lack discipline and proper Canadian priorities. Listen up, United Nations; pay attention, World Economic Forum, here’s the deal…Who knew, during all those years living next to the elephant, you were actually learning how to raise your trunk and honk! Damn, you’re good.

 So there you have it. Canada, you’ve become as American as apple pie. With military mojo and business bravado and prisons a-poppin, you’ve stopped sitting at the master’s feet to claim your manifest destiny. And to make it clear that the new kid on the block is no longer a kid, why don’t you take over July 4th and own it too. Canada, leave aside this July 1st, give it a rest, and then on July 4th show your true colours and celebrate the new American you!

 What would you do with July 1st, you ask? It is still a holiday, after all. Well, if you insist, why don’t you use it as a day for quiet reflection and reminiscence. You could talk about the Canada you knew and loved, and about what a fine country it was. That would be a conversation worth having, prior to the big bash.

Voter Suppression Canada

The good news about having the Republican Party governing from Parliament Hill is that Canada gets to have its own voter suppression scandal. Yes, that’s right. Ring-Ring: "Wanna vote? Unfortunately your polling station is too busy , please go vote somewhere else, somewhere far far away, we recommend the Planet Tatooine." Yes, Canadian voters of a liberal bent received calls during the May 2011 election telling them their polling station had been relocated. Elections Canada, aided by the RCMP, is now investigating and the Republi, oops, I mean, er, Conservatives are in plausible deniability mode.

Of course we’re just rookies in the game compared to our southern neightbours. The U.S has a lengthy history of voter suppression strategies, from poll taxes to literacy tests to current efforts by States to require valid photo I.D.s to register to vote. The photo I.D. efforts are being done to “ensure the sanctity of the vote,” said Sam Brownback, the Governor of Kansas, demonstrating his apparent lack of concern for the 620,000 Kansas residents who, according to the NY Times,lack a government ID. Meanwhile the 2011 bill in Texas pushing for photo I.D.s won’t recognize—you just gotta love this!—student I.D.s but will recognize handgun licenses. Giddy-up, shoot ‘em up, vote ‘em up. Rawhide.

Canada? There just ain’t a whole lot of voter suppression history up here. While we do have the possibility of catching up and creating our very own Canadian culture around voter suppression, there are some structural challenges that have to be acknowledged. In the States, many of the election officials are themselves partisan, elected candidates. Yikes! And the elections are funded locally, so some jurisdictions simply don’t have sufficient funds—similar to education--to do a good job. Despite these obvious advantages that the U.S. has over Canadian voter suppression strategies, Harper’s Conservatives are a diligent bunch and won’t take high voter turn-out lying down. No siree. Ethics aren’t in the way. They’ve already pleaded guilty to funnelling money illegally to support tv advertising during 2006 campaign. They’ve got the robo calls happening. And damn, if Harper hadn’t canned the long gun registry he could’ve used those I.D.s to target his kind of voters. He must be kicking himself. Wanna vote? Show me that long gun license, pardner.

Clint and Bruce

Something about the Super Bowl always sucks me in. It’s the essential experience of Brand America. And nowhere was Brand America more on display than in the Chrysler half-time commercial featuring Clint Eastwood letting us know it’s half-time in America...and we’re all scared because this isn’t a game. But, not to worry, if Detroit has bounced back then so can America. Why? Because that’s what we do, we find a way through tough times and if we can’t find one, then we make one.

Now that’s what I call speaking to the zeitgeist of America. I can’t say if America knows it has a zeitgeist but the Creatives who hired Clint know it does. And so does Bruce. He’s just uploaded a song from his new album, Wrecking Ball. It’s called We Take Care of Our Own. It’s classic Springsteen, a danceable guitar lick that draws you in and holds on, as Bruce’s rough voice talks about stumbling on good hearts turned to stone and scenes from hardscrabble America move by. Then the refrain comes in, over and over: we take care of our own, we take care of our own, we take care of our own.

What to make of this? Well, I’d say the good news is America is admitting it’s broke, broken, beaten. And if, as they say, the first step to recovery is admitting the problem, step one is underway. Then again, I have another voice that says “what utter horseshit” (W.U.H., for short). Half-time? The game is over and you lost. You were best in the league in the 20th century but, hey, you had some pathetic general managers of late who drove the franchise into the ground. And as to taking care of your own? Since when?

The latest news I know about taking care of your own is this one: federal law has barred troops from suing the government for any injuries they suffer as a result of malpractice in military medical facilities, no matter how negligent or egregious the error. That’s been in place for years actually, but now they’re extending it to spouses and children of troops. You’d think that when it comes to taking care of our own, Veterans would be the one class of citizens for whom the statement would be true.* And I know I don’t need to talk about how many uninsured Americans there are, blah blah blah, so I won’t. Let’s just say the only way I can understand Bruce singing We Take Care of Our Own in the same way I understand companies that declare Our People Are Our Most Valuable Asset—it’s aspirational. We’d like to act in ways that confirm the statement and we’re sorry we don’t, but we are trying, really, we are.

And so, even if it’s not half-time in America, we want to act like it is. We want to dust ourselves off and believe there’s a whole lot of game left in us and, even more importantly, there’s plenty of time on the clock. And if Madison Avenue (this time it was Weiden and Kennedy actually, headquartered in Portland, Oregon) simply keeps telling us, we’ll come to believe it. And who knows, it may just come true. Right?

*In truth, Canada’s not much better. Back in November, this was the news: Canada's veterans who think they were poisoned in the 1991 Gulf War and in the Balkans can't trust the government when it says they're fine, said scientists at an international conference.