As fear of a terrorist attack subsides in the States, the search
for The Next American Fear has finally been solved. Not yet a reality tv show,
The Next American Fear has had a number of contenders. Serial killers have frequently
been on the docket. Another recession has, of course, been eager to rise up
from mere chronic anxiety to claim the big title. Even the recent asteroid that
lit up a town in Russia seemed about to triumph. But make no mistake, a clear
winner has now popped up right under our feet. Ladies and gentleman, fear of—look
out!!—sinkholes has the U.S in its grip.
From that poor bloke in Tampa whose bedroom disappeared with him in it to a 43-year-old mortgage broker who was swallowed (w)hole while golfing in Illinois to the U.S congress where compromise and common sense haven’t surfaced in years, sinkholes seem to be everywhere. A 9 acre sinkhole appeared in Assumption Parrish, Lousiana, and a 17 foot deep sinkhole got rave reviews in Mount Holyhoke, Massachusetts.
This is great news to Canadians, who finally have confirmation in their belief that the U.S. has long been a sinkhole eager to bury Canadian independence and culture and healthcare and….But Canadians need not fret. It just so happens that geologists have recently declared much of Canada nearly sinkhole-proof. From the Great Lakes to the Arctic Ocean, Canada has a great layer of igneous rock acting as a vast, unyielding—you guessed it!—sinkhole shield.
So far as I know, no one has ever called it the sinkhole shield; rather, it is known as the more prosaic Canadian Shield. And ever since I have been up here, no one has been able to tell me, in plain, straightforward English, what exactly it’s shielding us from. Until now.
My inquiry, I realize, was thwarted by a single assumption. Shields, I had assumed, tend to be above us. As an example, I offer the Missile Defense Shield, birthed in the deep recesses of the Reagan brain to address one of the all-time big winners of The Next American Fear (with an honored spot in the American Fear Hall of Fame).* But the Canadian Shield is down there, at our feet, watching over us, or in this case, under us. Low and beholed, Canadians need not fear being gobbled up in the bowels of the earth, and it's due to one big, bad ass rock.
So my apprehensive fellow Americans, I suggest you relocate north of the 49th parallel. Canada is the cure to your latest fear. Come on up before it’s too late, yikes, looook out, oh nooooo…
* past winners include natives, negroes, alcohol, communism, blacks, Fidel, hippies, drugs, deficits, Hussein, Muslims, presidents born in Kenya…
